Slow down! You don't have to rush right back to football. Football expects you to, but you can take your sweet time. Don't feel compelled to invite football in and make it a sandwich. You can watch baseball and the swimming world championships and the Major League Soccer All-Star Game on Wednesday. Catch up on "Curb Your Enthusiasm." That Larry David is the naughty George Blanda of comedy.
You don't have to freak out that the NFL lockout is over. Football assumes that you care, that when you got the word on Monday, you applied some eye black, went into the office kitchen, uncorked a bottle of champagne and wept into an old Johnny Unitas jersey. Football believes it has you under its spell, that your fantasy league gives your life purpose, that your autumn Sundays are otherwise soulless and bleak.
Football presumes it owns your blood. Football believes that when animals talk in your dreams, they sound exactly like Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth. Football thinks you need not just Monday Night Football, but also Sunday Night Football and Thursday Night Football. You don't need Thursday Night Football. You need to do laundry and read a book.
Football thinks you can't get enough. Football thinks you actually have the patience for one more Brett Favre un-retirement rumor. Football actually thinks you care about the Bengals quarterback situation, even if you live 600 miles from Cincinnati. Football thinks you're more curious about the Oakland Raiders than Al Davis is.