The Super Bowl is almost upon us, and if you’re an American, there’s a one-in-three chance you’ll watch the final football game of the season. The odds are also good that you don’t have a real rooting interest in either team—or that you don’t care much about football at all. Fret not: here’s a guide tailored to non-sporting interests. Pick a category, and your team will reveal itself.
Politics: The major issue on which we have public statements from members of both teams is gay marriage. Baltimore linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has been a consistent proponent of marriage equality. Meanwhile, earlier this week, San Francisco cornerback Chris Culliver responded to a question about how he would welcome a teammate’s emergence from the closet by saying “I don’t do the gay guys, man. I don’t do that. No, we don’t got no gay people on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they do.” (He later recanted, and apologized, claiming his “thoughts” did not express his “feelings.”) Other players on both teams no doubt have different beliefs—the 49ers released an It Gets Better video, while Ayanbadejo’s teammate Matt Birk released a video in which he says he believes marriage should only be between a man and a woman—but Ayanbadejo’s statements have been the most robust on the subject. If you think everyone should be able to get married, go Ravens.