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Dante's Inferno and Virtues of NFL

Welcome back to the Pregame Flyover, your chief source of NFL disinformation.

Before we apply the NFL injury report to this week’s schedule of games – and declare which contests will Probably be worth watching, which games will be of Questionable worth, of Doubtful worth, and of no worth – we’d like to introduce our new correspondent, Dante Alighieri, author of “The Divine Comedy.”

We recently realized that the NFL itself is a divine comedy of sorts, with respective players, coaches and fan bases moving between various levels of hell, purgatory and heaven. Rather than visit these places ourselves, we dipped into our freelance budget and hired Dante, a veteran travel writer. He’ll be making the regular rounds, telling us in his inimical style about the new arrivals in hell, purgatory and heaven. 

Take it away, Dante.

HELL

I spy a player who looks like Marmalarde,

Throwing the ball like he is playing shotput.

It’s not PC, but he looks like a retard. 

PURGATORY

Sanchez, Fitzpatrick, Tannehill and Brady,

Staring at the standings, they’re all 3 and 3.

Tannehill’s wife: Where’s that hot little lady? 

HEAVEN

There he sits, proud, haughty and full of pleasure.

In brown and orange, diarrhea colors.

He’s waving a W, that first win a treasure. 

 

THE SEVEN NFL VIRTUES

Continuing with this week’s religious theme, we’d like to recognize those coaches, teams, players and fans who best exhibited the seven cardinal virtues.

Chastity: Indianapolis Colts. Did you expect that we’d honor Tim Tebow? Come on, his team at least found the end zone, unlike the Colts.

Temperance: Norv Turner. Definition of temperance: “moderation in action, thought, or feeling.”

Charity: Pittsburgh Steelers defense. They allowed the Titans’ offense to score 26 points.

Diligence: Juan Castillo. It’s hard work for an offensive line coach to pretend he’s a defensive coordinator for 22 games.

Patience: Kansas City Chiefs fans. No banners have yet been flown demanding the start of the Ricky Stanzi era.

Kindness: Me. I’d like to point out that the Jaguars can still go 12-4 this season. 

Humility: Rex Ryan. He told reporters Wednesday, "If it's just between Bill Belichick and me, he's going to win that battle, I recognize that.” The topic was coaching in this Sunday’s matchup between the Patriots and Jets, not which man can look like more of a hobo.

 

The Four Teams Who’ve Never Played in a Super Bowl

From time to time we’ll check in with the four teams who’ve never played in a Super Bowl, to see how their prospects look for reaching the title game this season.

Texans: They were undefeated going into last week’s Sunday night matchup against the Packers, and the team seemed primed to show the world what they were all about. The Texans got throttled by Green Bay, but they’re still on target to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl because the AFC sucks.

Jaguars: Watching “Tom Coughlin: A Football Life” on the NFL Network recently, I was reminded that the Jaguars actually reached the AFC Championship Game twice in their first five seasons in the league. In retrospect, this gave unrealistic expectations to the dozens of Jaguars fans in this country.

Browns: In any other year, I might have picked the Browns to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. But it just happens that I stopped huffing paint, so my judgment is gradually improving.

Lions: Wouldn’t it be great if the Lions faced the Texans in the Super Bowl? Not only would that be a matchup of great offenses, but it’d leave the Jaguars and Browns as the only teams who’d never played in a Super Bowl. Alas, Cleveland and Jacksonville cannot square off in the big game, which is good because holy crap would no one watch that.

 

The Weekly Best

The Weekly Best writers are suspended without pay this week, after they spent last Saturday partying with Steelers nose tackle Alameda Ta’amu. 

Best wise up: Weekly Best writers.

 

This week in fantasy-football name changes

Is your fantasy team bringing shame to your family? Do you want to do something drastic, like trade Cam Newton for Greg Zuerlein? Sometimes all your team needs is a good name change. Here are some timely suggestions, particularly for you owners who are clinging to “Real Men of Genius.” It’s not 2007 anymore. Get trendy, you humps!

The Low-Information Voters

The Ghosts of Pittsburgh’s Offense Line

Americans for Pussy Riot

The Children of Cromartie

Jay Feely, You Suck

The Yankees without Jeter

Binders Full of Women

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Cameron Martin's Pregame Flyover column on the upcoming NFL weekend runs each Friday. He may be reached at cdavidmartin@yahoo.com. Follow him on Twitter @CameronDMartin.

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