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Shaq's Scouting Report

by Dave Nye

Many people questioned the Suns deal for Shaquille O'Neal. How will Shaq fit in with the run 'n gun Suns? Well, we were able to get a hold of the Suns scouting report of Shaq just to see exactly what they thought the positives and negatives were.

Height: 7'1"
Weight: 325 lbs
College: LSU
Teams played for: Orlando Magic, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat

Best Case Scenario
: Neon from Blue Chips
Worst Case Scenario: Goldberg from the Mighty Ducks

Gets to the line to miss free throws as well as anyone at the NBA level.
Essential for backup Center's development - can't play anywhere close to a full season.
Tells great jokes.
Getting winded and slowing down by half court helps with fast-break defense.
Shags his own balls during shootarounds.
Solid Connect-4 player.
Hates Bill Walton.
Does a great Borat impression. Have you seen his Borat? High Five!
Doubles as law enforcement.

Turns out he can't actually grant wishes - that was movie magic.

O'Neal projects as an extremely old basketball player. He's the type of player that's got similar injuries (sore back and hip) to those that relegate grandfathers to wheelchairs and some might say he's past his prime. He is a bit of a risk at this point in his career but that risk is vastly outweighed by his Hollywood credentials, ability to flirt with the press, and keep a locker room laughing with Yo Mamma jokes. With the help of a great medical staff, effects of Father Time likely to be insignificant, if not entirely nullified.