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Cowboys To Go After More Criminals?

by Jeff Briggs

Is it Pacman Jones’s on field abilities or off field exploits that remind Jerry Jones so much of his 1990s Super Bowl Cowboys? Maybe Jones's plastic face has leaked into his brain and he thinks if he assembles a similar lineup of thugs and crack addicts, he’ll achieve the same level of success.

 
Have you committed a crime? You might have a spot on "America's Team"

Let’s take a look at who Jerry Jones might try to add along side of Pacman in the next year or so to have as part of his roster by 2010 (complete with mug shots!):

QB - Mike Vick - Fresh out of jail for dog fighting and into Jerry Jones’s checkbook. This team will need that veteran leader that has actually spent time in jail. Also, he's been keeping in football shape by playing permanent QB!
(Wait, maybe he’s not)

 
I'm an animal lover

RB – Maurice Clarrett – The OSU star never quite caught on in the NFL, too busy “getting his goose on” and robbing people at gun point. Well, Cowboys have always used guns back since the Old West, so this makes sense.

 
What do you keep in your car?

RB – Laurence Phillips – This once promising running back will fit right in on this team. We need the type of fiery personality that will drive his car into three teenagers after a pick-up football game. Imagine what kind of craziness he can bring to a game with some actual meaning! Hopefully he’ll drive a MAC truck onto the field to go after someone once he gets tackled.

RB Coach – OJ Simpson – Why stop at the players. Coaches can also have a long criminal history for “America’s Team”.

 
Two Mugshots!

WR1 – Chris Henry – Sure, throwing bottles at and punching an 18-year old might get you kicked off the Bengals, but in Dallas it can probably get you a lucrative contract.

 
Best Mugshot!


WR2 – Michael Irvin
– No team of Cowboy criminals is complete without him. Welcome back. I hope you still know how to use cocaine and hookers!

LB – David Berkowitz – Jones just might get confused and think he’s the son of Sam Huff. Not just the "Son of Sam" serial killer.

DT – Tank Johnson – The Cowboys DT can supply the rest of the team with the guns needed to commit their crimes.


OG – Eric Steinbach
– No real reason for this inclusion, except to mention he got arrested for boating under the influence! Jerry Jones can buy the Vikings sex boat and he can drive (boat?) it around.

 
Who put that boat there?

LB – Ray Lews – Oh Snap, I didn’t see nothing.

Really, the list is just too long. For an example, this list was just from one year.

All I hope for is more ways to make fun of the Cowboys in the future.