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Kent Mercker Announces His Retirement Plans: Boozin'

by Ryan Hudson

Kent Mercker, who originally made his MLB-debut in 1989, sees his final days drawing closer. The relief pitcher, currently on Cincinnati's roster - his ninth team in 18 seasons, and his third go-around with the Reds - has appeared in just 15 games this season, and hasn't pitched since early June because of back injuries. It only makes sense that he's beginning to think about his retirement plans, which are, well, honest, if nothing else.

Mercker will be a free agent, but as he said, "What kind of market is out there for me?" Then he paused and said, "Well, hey. I'm left-handed, I'm 40 and I'm well-rested."

Most likely he is headed for retirement and said, "I'm starting my new profession — turning vodka into urine."

If Mercker needs career counseling for his new pursuit, he should contact Russian high jumper, Ivan Ukhov.