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The Secret Life Of The Phoenix Gorilla

by Robbie Gillies
West Coast Bias reported that the Phoenix Suns are looking for a mascot coordinator. Some of the duties include maintaining a schedule of events for the Gorilla to attend, setting up for the events, keeping track of all expenses related to the Gorilla, and oversee youth programs related to the Gorilla.

But this brings about an obvious question: why is there a vacancy? I was able to track down the former mascot coordinator, who asked to remain anonymous, to get his side of the story:

The Phoenix Gorilla? That guy is one messed up dude. I wouldn’t wish this job upon my worst enemy. You should see his contract rider: Voss bottled water chilled to 48 degrees, a bowl of orange and purple m&m’s shaped like the Suns logo. You know how difficult it is to get purple m&m’s if it’s not Easter time?

He did these anti-drug and tobacco PSA’s but if he wasn’t drunk by noon it’s just because he hadn’t woken up yet. There’s only so many times you can bury hundreds of dollars a week in alcohol under “Medical Expenditures” and get away with it.

And I know you’re probably saying, ‘but those dunks are so awesome’. Hate to burst your bubble but it’s a stunt double. His lazy butt is camped out in his trailer watching the Discovery Channel.

He didn’t used to be like this but once he became a secret character in NBA Jam his ego went through the roof. He started hanging out with Dan Majerle and the two of them would go out and hit on anything that moved.

He had alienated his best friends. Benny The Bull stopped calling and Hugo the Hornet removed him as a friend on facebook. No one ever REMOVES someone as a friend on facebook.

The only reason the Suns don’t can him is because he has a long-term contract and they have to pay it out regardless. Basically, he’s in the same boat as Stephon Marbury and even crazier, if that’s possible.


H/T: Ball Don't Lie