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October 09, 2008
by Ryan Hudson
Things aren't going well for the Washington Wizards right now. Gilbert Arenas, who signed a $111 million contract during the off-season, is out until January (at least) after his third knee surgery. Antawn Jamison suffered a bruised right knee Tuesday night and now Brendan Haywood will most likely miss a couple of months after surgery to repair a torn ligament in his hand. And the Wiz are still in the Eastern Conference, which with the defending Celtics, an Elton Brand-led Sixers, the Raptors, who added Jermaine O'Neal, and that LeBron guy, is quickly becoming a rather talented and deep division. Needless to say, it's tough times for Wizards fans.
Fortunately, they still have Gil, and his weird, weird interviews.
This latest Agent Zero sit-down, published as part of SLAMonline's Top 50 players, via the unrivaled Dan Steinberg, covers such topics as his top NBA players, what he'd choose if only allowed video games or pornography, a three-option game not safe to go into detail about here (but allowed for Arenas to describe Star Jones as a "a Rottweiler’s head on a Doberman Pinscher’s body...a [b]ig bobblehead"), and, of course, his take on the Presidential race, in which he confused Joe Biden for rapper Joe Budden: "That’s what I’m saying. I don’t know who he is. I’m the only Vice President cause I was the original Black President. So when Obama came into office, I said 'I’ll slide aside, let him be in command and I’ll be his sidekick.'”
But perhaps the highlight (it's about a 17-way tie) is when Arenas explains his invention.
Gil: Just seems like only girls always want chocolate. But you know what? I’ve got an invention. I’ll let your hear it, but if you make money you’ve gotta hit me off.
SLAM: I got you.
Gil:It’s called the Cool Aid (note: I couldn’t tell if he said Cool Aid or Cool Wave. Either way, copyright pending…) It’s like the microwave, but the Cool Aid. So for instance you can put a warm soda in the machine and boom, it’s cold. Most people, “Oh no, you call that the freezer”, but nah, the freezer takes two minutes. Just like you’ve got the oven and the microwave, you’ve got the freezer and the Cool Aid.
SLAM: But what else would you want to make cool besides soda?
Gil: Anything. Like if your ice cream is melting, boom, put it in. Beep!
With his Obama/Arenas ticket aspirations seemingly on hold (their platform: Cool Aid's for every house), one can only hope that Gil begins his own series of infomercials.