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Pay Homage To Gamblor: Week 14

by Jeff Briggs

I’m glad that The Daily Show and The Colbert Report both touched on a part of this Plaxico Burress story that was threatening to go swept under the rug amid much more important issues. That issue: Burress was wearing sweatpants in the club. How is this allowed? If I, or any of you, tried to go into a club with sweatpants, we would immediately be turned away.

Now clearly pro athletes are allowed to do whatever they want, so then the question becomes, why go to a club wearing sweatpants? Just looking to relax for the night? Didn’t want to get all dressed up? Then perhaps a busy club isn’t the place for you, certainly not one where you may feel the need to bring a gun for protection. So, to sum it all up: Plaxico Burress decided he wanted to go out, threw on his sweatpants (or maybe he was already wearing them, not sure), shoved his unlicensed gun in his pants and headed off to the club. Then, at some point, his gun started to slide down his sweatpants (maybe another sign that sweats aren’t the best clothing choice for gun brandishing), and in an attempt to grab the gun, shot himself in the leg. Somehow no one noticed, so Burress and Antonio Pierce were able to get rid of the gun and exit the club, at which point Burress spent 90 minutes finding the perfect hospital to go to with his cover story, that he was named Harris Smith and he shot himself at an Applebee’s. The number of smart, well-informed, logical decisions Plax made that night are astounding.

Anyways, after a week of football that included the worst slate of Thanksgiving day games ever, very few close games overall, watching the Redskins lose, live in the cold rain, and a horrendous 5-11 record, things can only go up from here this week. I hope.

Last week: 5-11
Season: 86- 101-5
Lock of the week: 7-6
Home team in CAPS

CHARGERS (-9.5) over Raiders
Chargers, good thing you locked up Norv Turner for 2009. It’s hard to do so little with so much talent, that’s a skill you need to hold on to when you get the chance.

COLTS (-13.5) over Bengals
Marvin Lewis needs to be more than fired from this job. He should be fired out of a cannon, possibly directly into offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski.

BEARS (-6.5) over Jaguars
With the Vikings looming suspension problems and games against teams like the Jaguars, the Bears are perfectly capable of slipping into the backdoor of the playoffs, and getting soundly beaten.

PACKERS (-6) over Texans
The Packers look like they are arguably the best team in the NFC North, at least the best offense, but when you give up 86 points in two weeks, you shouldn’t be winning anything. And they aren’t. But they are good enough to beat a mediocre, speed-centered dome team like the Texans, outdoors in Green Bay.

TITANS (-13.5) over Browns
Ken Dorsey vs. the Titans defense; about as equal a match-up as Native Americans vs. Small Pox.

Vikings (-8) over LIONS
Against most teams I’d say the final outcome on the Vikings suspension appeals will play a big part in the outcome, but against the Lions they probably don’t even need any defensive tackles.

Redskins (+5.5) over RAVENS
People think a little too highly of the Ravens right now, and its about time for them to fall down a peg. The Redskins find a way to win and stay close to the playoff picture.

GIANTS (-7) over Eagles
I’m not quite sure what a team can do to beat the Giants, and Eli isn’t beating the team himself this year.

SAINTS (-3) over Falcons
I don’t think the Saints will be picking up the Giants trash and looking to sign Plaxico in the off-season like they did with Shockey.

Jets (-4) over 49ERS
Yes, the 49ers are better under Mike Singletary, but they won’t be able to run against the Jets, and they need to if they hope to hang with teams.

Dolphins (+1) over BILLS
The Dolphins have always struggled in December on the road in the north; or course a big portion of that is due to cold weather. The Bills have decided to eliminate that advantage by playing indoors in Toronto. Smart move.

BRONCOS (-9) over Chiefs
The Broncos are unexplainable. They could win this game by 28 or straight up lose. Maybe Jay Cutler isn’t checking his blood sugar often enough.

CARDINALS (-14) over Rams
The Cardinals struggled again on another trip to the East coast. Now, back at home, they will find some relief and encouragement when they beat the Rams by 25 points.

Cowboys (+3) over STEELERS
Jerry Jones is probably already clearing cap room to sign Plaxico Burress.

Patriots (-4.5) over SEAHAWKS
Did anyone see the Seahawks play last week? When was it decided that the last ranked pass defense would be able to stop the Patriots just because the top-ranked Steelers did it? Does this line make any sense? I would have thought it would be closer to 7, and still would have picked New England. LOCK OF THE WEEK.

PANTHERS (-3) over Buccaneers
The NFC South is seemingly the only division where home field advantage matters, where the teams are a combined 21-2 at home (and that’s not counting the Saints “home” win in England), so I’ll stick with the home Panthers.