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February 10, 2009
by Jeff Briggs
As we already pointed out, in his recent column, John Kampf of The News Herald said that A-Rod needed advice from Uncle Phil (yes, from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air). That got us to thinking, what advice could other TV dads offer A-Rod.
Heathcliff Huxtable - The Cosby Show
Dr. Huxtable was a doctor, so clearly he could prescribe something for A-Rod that might have slipped by the testing. Failing that, he could always tell A-Rod stories about old Jazz musicians, make a lot of weird faces and sounds and leave A-Rod as confused as ever. Or, of course, suggest Jell-O pudding as a steroid alternative.
Tim Taylor - Home Improvement
After telling A-Rod that he doesn’t need help from drugs, he just needs a bat with more power, “Oh-oh-oh,” the 'Tool Man' would land himself in the hospital before deciding that he needs to go to Wilson for help (without whom Tim would be a horrible husband and parent). At this point, Tim will mess up most of Wilson’s advice, but somehow still get the correct message passed along to A-Rod.
Jason Seaver - Growing Pains
As a psychiatrist, Dr. Seaver would try to assure A-Rod that he is okay just the way he is, as long as he gives it his best. After years of dealing with Mike Seaver being a screw up, he should be prepared for A-Rod.
Danny Tanner - Full House
Danny would enter A-Rod's room, where he would be sitting on the bed, looking sad. Danny sits down next to A-Rod. Cue sappy music.
Danny: “Alex, I think you did a pretty rotten thing. You can’t cheat, no matter who else is doing it.”
A-Rod: “ I didn’t mean to hurt anybody. I’m sorry.”
Danny: “I’ll always love you. As long as you keep this room clean!”
Enter Joey (in a Popeye voice): "A-Rod you don't needs any PEDs to be strong like me. Alls I needs is my spinach. A-gah-gah-gah."
Enter Jesse: "Yeah, and that stuff will mess up your hair."
Carl Winslow - Family Matters
Regardless of how he would try to solve this problem at the start, Steve Urkel would inevitably come in and use all of A-Rod’s steroids to make some sort of super robot, causing a whole new strain of hilarious problems.
Al Bundy - Married with Children
"Ya know, A-Rod, I didn't need any steroids to score four touchdowns for the Polk Panthers in the 1966 city championship game vs. Andrew Johnson High School. Including the game winning touchdown to beat “Spare Tire” Dixon."
Al and A-Rod would then drink some beers and both make fun of their wives.
Balki Bartokomous - Perfect Strangers
Although not a dad, Balki would still have advice to offer. “You no need PED's -- just use goat hair and chicken eyes, like me and my people on Mypos.”