200 Miles From the Citi

November 18, 2009 7:15 AM


Jets_Recline.JPGWhat are you doing New Year's Day?

Probably just sitting around all day and watching football, right?

I'm sure it's no surprise to you that you're not going to be the only one....but what if I told you you could win fantastic prizes by doing so?

ESPN is looking for New York's "Ultimate Couch Potato".  You can enter by e-mailing and summarizing in 200 words or less why you're qualified.

I bring this up not to be an unpaid advertisement for the event, but because I think this is an event at which I would excel.

I am good at watching football, and I'm good at sitting in comfortable chairs for hours on end.  I am well-qualified.  I also have an excellent bladder - and one of the stipulations in this contest is that you can only take a bathroom break once every 8 hours.  As long as I don't drink a cup of coffee immediately followed by water, I could probably last the whole day.  (In couch potato world, this is called "conditioning".)

There is another catch, which recently has been a problem for me.  You can't fall asleep when you are sitting.  This might disqualify me immediately - although by New Year's I will have been off of school about a week and might have caught up on some sleep.  Still, I think there's no turning back - the minute I get a quiet moment these days and close my eyes, I'm gone.

The final reason I will not enter this contest is a simple one - I don't think it's fair.  Last year's winner was a man from Manhattan who is a research librarian.  A research librarian.  The man's career is sitting for hours on end trying not to fall asleep.

I thought this was a contest for amateurs.  Letting a research librarian compete in a contest that tests people's abilties to sit and stave off potential boredom is like letting professionals play in the Olympics.

I'll just sit at home, thank you very much.

And just because I can, I might go to the bathroom every 7 hours on New Year's Day.

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