Fantasy Football Maniaxs

September 29, 2009 10:07 PM

Week 3 NFL Power Rankings



As predictable as the NFL may seem, since the onset of the salary cap era, it has been anything but predictable. This season is no different; three 2008 division winners are currently winless, while the 2008 Super Bowl participants are both 1-2 and behind their respective division winners. This edition of Power Rankings will try to put the first three weeks into perspective by starting out with the worst teams so far and progressing to the best.

Spencer Pratt Division (Just plain terrible)

32. St. Louis Rams (0-3) - You know it's bad when you are happy to see Kyle Boller at quarterback.

31. Tampa Bay Bucs (0-3) - The Bucs were trying to find the next Mike Tomlin in Raheem Morris. They may have found the next terrible, unqualified coach. (See Lane "I have a mangina" Kiffin)

30. Cleveland Browns (0-3) - Eric Mangini, there's nothing good about what you do or who you are.

29. Detroit Lions (1-2) - You can't lose them all... even if you are the Lions.

28. Kansas City Chiefs (0-3) - If they had Herm Edwards as their coach, they would be able to build on their three losses. Now Kansas City is just sad.

27. Oakland Raiders (1-2) - JaMarcus Russell looks like a combination of Daunte Culpepper after he blew out his knee and Vinny Testaverde when he was 44. JaMarcus Russell was the first pick two years ago.

26. Washington Redskins (1-2) - Losing to the Lions is like... losing to the Lions. There is no other analogy that can desribe this  situation worse than it already is.

We Used to be Good Division (2008 division winners who are winless in 2009)

25. Carolina Panthers (0-3) - You know it's bad when your quarterback's name can be used as any part of speech synonymous with a big piece of feces.

24. Miami Dolphins (0-3) - They might be 0-3, they might have just lost their starting quarterback for the season, they might have the toughest schedule in football but at least Marc Anthony announces their first downs.

23. Tennessee Titans (0-3) - Maybe Albert Haynesworth was worth one hundred million dollars. This defense used to be good.

False Start Division (Teams with the potential that have gotten off to poor starts)

22. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) - With their first home game of the season blacked out, there is already talks of drafting Tim Tebow next year. That should put some fans in the seats.

21. Houston Texans (1-2) - This is shaping up for another 8-8 season in Houston. Schaub looks good but how long can he stay healthy for.

20. Buffalo Bills (1-2) - TO had zero catches on Sunday. I'm pretty sure that he is going to take this in stride and no problems will come of this.

19. Seattle Seahawks (1-2) - "Two laps and hit the showers, but Olindo, you don't have to because your cut." That's definitely what Jim Mora is saying to Olindo Mare tomorrow at practice after missing two short field goals.

18. Arizona Cardinals (1-2) - Their two losses prove that it is hard to be a one dimensional football team in the NFL. If the other team knows that you want to pass every down and your quarterback has little protection and a hip that only hurts when he is walking or standing still, it is going to be tough to throw the ball downfield even if you have elite receivers like Arizona. They need to establish a running game for this offense to become dominant again.

One Fluke Play Away from 3-0 Division (Without Brandon "First receiver Ever to Use the Madden Strategy" Stokley or Greg "I Should Have Made the Patriots Instead of Joey Galloway" Lewis these teams would be 3-0)

17. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1) - You know how when you lose one sense the other senses make up for it. Last year, with Carson Palmer out, their offense was so bad that their defense had to overcompensate just like a blind guy who gains a heightened sense of hearing. Now they have Carson Palmer back and the defense is still actually good. This might be the sleeper team of the AFC.

16. San Francisco 49ers (2-1) - I guess mooning your team works... just look at Mike Singletary's success with the 49ers. Seriously, that's what I am attributing their success to since he took over because Shaun Hill shouldn't be a starting quarterback in the NFL. But I guess if Katherine Heigl is in a movie where she needs help getting guys (The Ugly Truth) or in a movie where she had sex with Seth Rogen (Knocked Up) then Shaun Hill can be the starting quarterback of a winning NFL team. Oh and Fear the Turtle.

Britney Spears between her "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Sometimes" Music Videos Division (Were her boobs real or fake, are these teams for real or are they fake? I guess we'll only find out one of these answers.)

15. Dallas Cowboys- (2-1) - You can't complain about the record but when is Jason Garrett going to turn into the offensive mastermind that Jerry Jones has paid so much for? Did Jerry Jones pay Jason Garrett 3 million dollars to call terrible red zone plays all over his one billion dollar field...COME ON!!! (Channeling my inner Will Arnett)

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