Inside Mr. Met's Head

February 7, 2011 11:39 PM

Emails with a Sabermagician

NEW YORK - OCTOBER 29:  (L - R) Saul Katz, CEO...

I was checking my email a few days and I noticed some very strange spam messages. I hope you all can help me decipher them.

To: Andrew Tworischuk

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am pleased to get across to you for a very urgent and profitable baseball club, though I don't know you neither have I seen you before but my confidence was reposed on you when Fred and Jeff Wilpon, father and son owners of the New York Metropolitans handed me your contact for a confidential business.

I am the General Manager of the New York Metropolitians, Sandy Alderson. The intended business is thus; we have a baseball team, a team located in Queens, NY, who finished in fourth place in 2010. Despite the success of one "RA" Dickey, the team was not very good. However, the New York Metropolitians have a payroll the sum of US$133.14 Million (One Hundred Thirty Three million, one hundred fourty thousand U.S Dollars). Unfortunately, the ownership spent all their money in a Ponzi scheme until today non-of his friends or business partners have come forward to claim this baseball club.

Having noticed this, I in collaboration with two other top Officials of the franchise, JP Riccardi and new manager Terry Collins covered up the team all this while. Now we want you (being a forum) to be fronted as one of the potential investors into buying a 25% stake into the Metropolitans Baseball Club and forward all the necessary information to be advised to you by us to attest to the Club.

We will use our positions to get all internal documentation to back up the claims. We currently own the following superstar player: David Wright. We also possess one slightly used Angel Pagan. We would offer you a Jason Bay as well but we are not sure if he is alive or not. We believe that this franchise will be successful this year due to the low-risk investment of the General Manager and the removal of one "Jeff Francoeur". You will also receive one slightly used CitiField.

The whole procedure will last only until opening day to get the franchise sold successfully without trace even in future. Your response is only what we are waiting for as we have put all our hopes and dreams on the shoulders on one RA Dickey and his knuckleball will be instrumental to the success of the franchise in motion.

As soon as this message comes to you kindly get back to me indicating your interest, then I will furnish you with the whole Metropolitians franchise to ensure that the deal is successfully Concluded. For your assistance, we have agreed in principle to offer you 25% of the total franchise at the end of the transaction as well as fourth place in the National League East

It is risk free and a big mega fortune. All correspondences towards this transaction will be through SNY and ESPN. I await your earliest response.


Yours Sincerely,


Normally, I ignore emails like this but for some reason it seemed like a very decent and fair deal. So I responded back. The next day, I got this:

To: Andrew Tworischuk

Dear Freind,

This is General Manager of the New York Metropolitians baseball club Sandy Alderson. We have spoken previously about  about your purchase of a 25% share of a well reputable professional baseball franchise with its Stadium located in Queens, NY. Our new manager, Terry Collins assures me and our ownership that the New York Metropolitians will be slightly improved this season.

As mentioned before, the New York Metropitians Baseball Club possess a payroll in excess of US$133M, which I
seek your Partnership in accommodating for me. You will be rewarded with 25% of The total sum for your partnership. Can you be my partner on this?

As a personal consultant to the owners, Fred and Jeff Wilpon, the authority was handed over to me recently in the potential transfer of money from one SAUL KATZ.

The New York Metropolitians are composed of the following professional athletes:

Catcher: Josh Thole. A young catcher with little to no power who will get on base. He will never be a super player but he will be a serviceable Professional Baseball Player for the foreseeable future. He cannot hit left handers so the Metropolitians will probably platoon him with Ronnie Paulino, a recent signing from the Florida Tunas or some other irrelevant franchise from South Florida.

First Baseymans: Ike Davis. He came up last season and did okay but not great, understandable considering that he's a 23 year old. He was probably rushed by the General Manager and Manager before us. He can hit the ball a very long distance but cannot hit "curve ball" and struggles with his streaky nature. He will hopefully develop into a decent player if he figures out his issues. He hit a really long home run once. Also he kind of looks like Bruce Springsteen but I think I'm the only one who sees this.

Second Baseymans: No one really knows who will be playing second base for the New York Metropoliticans. Luis Castillio is making half the GDP of Nigeria and literally cannot hit a baseball, succeeding simply because he rarely swings his bat. Another option is Daniel Murphy, the former great white hope of the franchise who sucked in the outfield and was much better defensively at 1B. He, like Davis, is streaky and is also decent defensively but he broke his leg in AAA and now who knows. Ruben Tejada is apparently third on the depth chart but he cannot hit major league pitching and is all glove. He will not be the starting second baseyman this year

Short Stops: Jose Reyes. He is a little jumping bean that gets Phillies fans really angry because he points to the sky or some shit. He's fast, has been suffering from bad injury history so Mr. Reyes is kind of a lottery ticket. Racist Metropolitcians fans will claim that he is lazy (because he looks black) but he is a very good base ball player. Hopefully he can take a walk again. If he is not patient he will be very bad.

Third Basey Man: David Wright. A super planet. A great player. Possibly the second homosexual Mets baseball player. He gets a lot of crap from idiots who say that he strikes out a lot but they have no idea what they're talking about and death to WFAN callers and metsblog. His power is hurt a bit by CitiField and he too is somewhat streaky but he's probably one of the best third baseymans in the game. Will be involved in a lot of stupid trade rumors that will either make you laugh or make you very very angered.

Left Fielder: Jason Bay. We have no idea if this man is alive or dead, he ran face first into the wall against the Dodgers and then the medical staff put him on a plane and then we never heard about him again. His head may explode at a moment's notice. He's a very good player even though he was terrible last year and will hopefully have a huge rebound. I'm optimistic about his recovery and I think he'll be good, but probably won't ever come close to the numbers he put up with Boston and Pittsburgh.

Center/Right Fieldersmans: this is where things get kind of "funky>". Angel Pagan should probably be starting in center over WFAN certified overrated Carlos Beltran. Pagan is good but has some past injury issues and I don't trust his value because I'm extremely paranoid and keep a slice of tin foil hidden underneath my Mets hat. Carlos Beltran gets some awful press from Mets fans and he doesn't deserve it. It's a contract year and we all know what happened in his last contrat year.

Already the team have sound the shore of Florida to an Spring Training private facility where the
final roster is expected to be created. While I was on the process, My Boss got arrested for his Involvement with a "Mr. Ponzi", which is where you come in.

All I need from you is to stand as the beneficiary of the Above quoted team and I will re-profile the pitching staff at a later date, which will enable the Metros to improve to maybe third place in the National League East.

I have decided to ask you again for 25% of the overall value of the New York Metropolitians. The transaction has to be Concluded In 2 weeks before spring training begins. As Soon as I confirm your readiness to conclude the transaction with me, I Will provide you with more details, including the pitching staff..


Thank you very much



I was almost sold on the deal but I just wasn't sold yet. So I did a little research and it turns out that there has been a lot of literate written about scammers like this. But I believe this to be real in my heart of hearts. I replied back asking for the final information.

Today I received this:

To: Andrew Tworischuk

Dear Sir or Madam,

It is my great pleasure writing you this final letter on behalf of my colleagues and myself. FRED and JEFF WILPON, JP RICCARDI, and TERRY COLLINS are very pleased to hear of your potential final interest in the New York Metropolitians baseball club. Once again, we have decided to seek a confidential co-operation with you in the execution of the deal described hereunder for the benefit of all of New York City (because who no one actually wants to root for the Yankees) and hope you will keep it as a top secret because of the nature of this business and the bad publicity that the Metropolitans have all ready recieve.

Within the New York Metropolitians where I work as a General Manager and with the co-operation of other top nerds who spend all days in the deepest corners of CitiField, we have in our possession as overdue payment bills totaling $133 million which we want to transfer into the payroll with assistance and co-operation of a forum to receive the said fund and then send monthly cheques to BUD SELIG and the Payroll Department of STERLING METS LLC.

Obviously, the amount represented some percentage of the total contract value will eventually be yours. Though the actual contract cost have been lost because of Mr. Ponzi that ownership may have been involved in, your investment into the Metropolitians will assure years and years of success and not a single moment of futility or frustration.

Since the WILPONS are sadly determined to pay every cent of the Metropolitians payroll no matter how little they deserve it, the following are a list of pitchers currently on the depth chart.


Johan Santana's left arm was sold in a Cash4Gold scam. They are forging a new one and he will be available hopefully around the all star break.

Mike Pelfrey is a bit of a headcase who gained a bit of notoriety a few years ago for tipping his pitches by yelling them out loud at the baseyball. I wish I was kidding. It looks like he may have figured out his pitching problems. I'm excited to see if he'll be able to repeat his form last year and at least stay somewhat consistent.

Jonathon Niese cannot spell his first name. He was one of the few prospects in the Mets system and perhaps even rarer one that may pan out. He's a decent, if not borderline good pitcher who thrives on control. He's a 2 WAR pitcher and is only going to be 25 this year so he may actually be an exciting part of the rotation.

RA Dickey is the greatest pitcher to ever play the game of baseball. He doesn't have a ligament in his arm and therefore he is immortal. Before 2010, he throw four pitches but now he only throws the knuckleball and the fastball. Dickey will probably not be as good as last year but I think he'll still be extremely effective.

The Fifth starter is unknown but will be one of Dillon Gee, Chris Young, or Chris Capuano. Dillon Gee is marginally okay and was a part of the disastrous 2007 Draft. Chris Capuano and Chris Young are centerpieces of "THE NEW MONEYBALL!!!" which is giving low risk signings to dudes coming off of severe surgeries. At the very least they'll hopefully be replacement level but rest assured Mets fans will find a way to overrate the both of them to the point of absurdity.

The bullpen looks like this: K-Rod is an overrated piece of trash who suffers from fits of epilepsy and speaks in tongues when he closes out a game. The rest of the bullpen is trash and will cause Mets fans extreme amounts of pain this year. I'm not kidding. Manny Acosta is in the bullpen. So is Pat Misch and Oliver Perez. It is going to be a disaster.

Anyway, back to business. I have the authority of my partners involved to propose that, should you be willing to assist us in this transaction, your share of the sum will be 25% of the New York Mets Baseball team.

The business itself is 100% safe and is not a scam at all, provided you treat it with utmost secrecy and confidentiality. Also your area of specialization is not a hinderance to the successful execution of this transaction as the departure of OMAR MINAYA and JERRY MANUEL has allowed the nerds to come out of their basements and get some sun.

I have reposed my confidence in you and hope that you will not disappoint me, like the Mets almost assuredly will.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Yours Faithfully,

I just liquidated all my assets. Fame and fortune here I come.
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