Congratulations!
Today is Opening Day.
You're off to Great Ballparks!
You're off and away!

You have players on your team.
You have long socks in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU have the manager who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down Yawkey. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "GO SAWX" with unashamed flair
With your head full of Bud Light and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to not read your 30,000 page spreadsheet.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll run your star player out of town.

It's opener there
in the thin Coors Stadium air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to teams as skilled
and as well predicted as you.

And then the games actually start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
Maybe your team will start winning too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

Your team is on the way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
To the top of the division high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because your centerfielder has the speed.
You'll pass the Orioles and Jays and you'll soon take the lead.
Whoever you play, you'll beat the best of the rest.
You will tell them all, for one day, my team is the best.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that collapses
and disappointments
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
on the Pepsi Perch.
But your team will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from that Perch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that your team might be in a Slump.

And when you're in that Slump,
baseball is never all that much fun.
Un-slumping your team
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where your players are marked.
Shake Shack is lighted. But mostly it's darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare you give money to the Wilpons? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you stand to lose? Do you think your team could ever win?

And IF you go in, in the Jackie Robinson Rotunda left or right...
or head into the Mets Hall of Fame? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
That the VORPiest of FIPS could never survive with his kind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down those windy concourses at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
National League East, Last Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for the firesale to go
or prospect to come, or starter to go
or Alderson to come, or the Minaya to go
or bullpen to ring, or the closer to blow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for the playoffs, to know.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the batter to bite
or waiting for that ball to take flight
or waiting around for Opening night
or waiting, perhaps, to knock down the Jake
or a base to steal, the speedy to break
or a superstar infielder, dirtying another pair of pants
or a bat with pine tar, or simply, just another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where a $200 million payroll team is playing.

With World Series banners flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you finish under .500 again you just might die!

Oh, the places you'll go! There are games to be done!
There are dingers to be hit. There are games to be won.
And the magical things a pitcher can do with that ball
will make your favorite team the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll some day be the Pirates too.
Games you can't win
'cause the Luxury Tax doesn't really help you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Last Place will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're in the cellar, there's a very good chance
you'll meet some bad players who scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though the Yankees may prowl.
On you will go
though the WFAN callers may howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and Tommy John is right round the door.

On and on you will hurl,
And I know you'll hit far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with the Puntos and the Bloomquists as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right baller with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(the extra 2 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Halladay, Hamels or Lee
or even a man like Robert Alan Dickey,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your championship is waiting.
So...get on your way!