RCS Sidelines

January 31, 2008 10:19 AM

Chris Berman At the Super Bowl

Welcome back to Scottsdale, Arizona, and SportsCenter's coverage of Super Bowl 42!! (Berman leans forward and stares into camera while speaking slowly) Where the... New England... Patriots...will be trying to close the books on an undefeated...season, but the New York... FOOTBALL... Giants have other ideas. Can Tom and the Brady Bunch complete the dream, or, as Three Dog Night said, is Eli Coming?

These two teams met in Week 17 in a classic battle. Eli Manning and the GGGG-MEN were big underdogs, but THAT'S why they play the game!!! The G-men came out ready to play and took it to the Patriots early. The Patriots were down by 12, 28-16 in the 2nd half, (leans forward in chair again) and a rolling stone gathers no moss, but RANDY MOSS (speaks each word as if it is a separate sentence) gathers the most touchdowns by any receiver in NFL history.

"I'm an idiot"

The GGGG-MEN come into this game confident and feeding off the fact that no one thinks they can win the game. They will need a balanced attack, using their committee of running backs including (strange sounds of a small explosion or car accident) Brandon Jacobs, and the speedster Ahmad Bradshaw, who might be able to WHOOP past Patriots defenders into the end zone!
(long unnecessary pause)
But Eli is also gonna have to be able to move the ball through the air...
(another pause)
...and the Patriots are going to force him to use all his targets, including...
(yet another pause)
..."Well Dressed" Armani "It's Not A" Tumor, and back up tight end, Kevin "Who's The" Boss. And, guys, you have to wonder, after kicking the game winner against Brett Favre and the Packers, will Lawernce "Third" Tynes "A Charm" (pauses for laughs, and a fake laugh is forced by Tom Jackson) have to make another PRESSURE kick in this game? We shall see.

For the Patriots, we all know they are undefeated, led by a coach who always picks up the Bill...(long pause) BELICHICK! Tom Brady has gotten a lot of help from his offensive line, and he'll need it against Michael "Please Apodt Any" Strah"Cats"an and the Giants pass rush. A big match up will be Matt Light, not Matt Heavy, trying to handle Strahan; to do so he'll have to be Matt Light on his feet. The Pats running game has come alive in the playoffs. "Sha Na Na, I got a girl, name of Boney" Laurence Maroney" has been running great, being able to WHOOP and WHOOP! Can he keep it up?

A Richie Valens Reference. Berman Stays With The Times.

(Leans forward in chair, stares at camera)
For the pick, the Schwam thinks the Giants have been playing well and might keep this one close, but not since the Buffalo Bills has anyone been able to circle the wagons like these New England Patriots!!
(Eyes bug out of head, still leaning forward)

"I'm an idiot with a dumb hat on."

Swami says the 1972 Dolphins will not be popping the cork on that champagne, and the Pats make it a perfect 19-0 winning 27-20 over the G-men.

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