By updating RealClearSports I read hundreds of articles every week but sometimes there are particular passages that need highlighting. And to make these passages more palatable I'm doing them in award form! The awards are completely random and will change weekly (though some may become reoccurring).

We begin with Jeff Miller of The Orange County Register who is getting two awards this week for his column following the NBA schedule release that has the Lakers playing the Heat on Christmas.

Low Blow

The Heat could borrow the buses the Lakers just used and parade down Biscayne Boulevard right now, likely drawing 50,000 fans, or what the Marlins consider a good month.

Although, in dealing a low blow to the Marlins, he might be being a bit optimistic about Heat fans. There might be 50,000 people on Biscayne Boulevard but they're most likely there just to party and when asked about the Heat they most likely would reply, "Yeah, but it's the humidity that really gets to you."

Ridiculously Early Prediction

Lakers in six.

It's not even the All-Star break...it's not even the first game of the season...it's not even the first PRESEASON game...It's the beginning of August and he's making his prediction for the NBA Finals. That's bold my friend. And might I join you in predicting that the Toronto Bills will win the Super Bowl in 2043. Mark it down.

Best Movie Reference

Many columnists made poor references to Inception, but Phil Sheridan of the Philadelphia Inquirer went with a classic: A couple of hours after the news conference, Goodell met with Vick and then issued a statement that said, in part, that Vick will be required "to meet even higher standards." It was impossible not to think of Dean Wormer placing the Delta crew on "double secret probation" in Animal House.

Nice work. And way to avoid the temptation of referencing All Dogs Go to Heaven.

Best Story

Thomas George of FanHouse brings us the story of how T.O. wound up on the Bengals: It was late last month, Palmer remembers it being the second or third week of July, when his group of receivers grew by one.

"I looked up and there was T.O. coming across the field," Palmer said. "He just showed up one day. I had been working on my five-step-footwork-to-the-left. I just told him, 'Jump in, man.''' And I just remember thinking, 'This guy can still run. This guy is still fast.'''

Say what you will about T.O. but it's pretty awesome that he let his actions speak for themselves and showed that he can still produce.

Read Between the Lines

Karen Crouse of the New York Times on Phelps' training: Asked what he did in lieu of training, Phelps said, "Golfing, sleeping, sitting at home doing absolutely nothing." He laughed. "Just being lazy, pretty much."
Phelps added, "I just wanted to take some time to clear my mind and get ready for the next couple of years."

Doing nothing...clearing his mind...hmm. What do you think he did to fill all that time?

Discrediting All Sports Reporting

Jack Bechta, an NFL agent who also writes for The National Football Post told this story: I was once in a contest at the 2007 Combine with two other agents and an active personnel director, where we bet dinner on who could get their propaganda out the quickest to ESPN or the NFL Network. I won! In three minutes, I had my top free agent heading to an NFC South team. Thanks to the NFL scoop jockey who picked it up!  One of the other agents had his self-serving text running across the ESPN tape in about six minutes.

So keep that in mind when you see that crawl about the Jets thinking about trading Darrelle Revis.

Oddest Compliments About an Athlete

Mike Preston of The Baltimore Sun is very impressed with Ray Rice: There is virtually no fat on Rice's 5-foot-9, 212-pound frame. His abdominals are exceptionally tight. Muscles bulge from every part of his body, including his forehead.

Did Preston start work on his most recent romantic novel and then realize he had a deadline to hit? Ladies are going to be sorely disappointed to read about how Lance Kilroy can read zone defenses and explode through the hole. Actually, maybe they won't be so disappointed.

Best/Worst Suicide Joke

Woody Paige of the Denver Post: The Broncos are somewhat like Roy Sullivan, a U.S. park ranger who was struck by lightning . . . seven different times. Well, it can be said Sullivan did have some good luck because he survived all the bolts. But Sullivan then committed suicide.

Paige gets both awards because...well...NO ONE MAKES SUICIDE JOKES.

Worst Comparison

Jesse McClain of the Toronto Star wrote about Blue Jays Brandon Morrow's near-miss of a no-hitter: Perhaps more notoriously, Buffalo Bills kicker Scott Norwood missed a 47-yard field goal that would have won the 1991 Super Bowl. He retired after one more season.

Comparing a pitcher who struck out 17 batters and got his first shutout to Norwood who missed a field goal that would've won a Super Bowl? I know the Bills are playing a few games up in Toronto but that doesn't mean they understand America's number one sport. Morrow was pitching in a regular season game. One of 162 (!) regular season games. AND HIS TEAM WON! I know he's trying to make a point of near-misses but in doing so his column was a total miss.

Bravest Admission

Jay Mariotti of FanHouse wrote about the NCAA cracking down on violations: How refreshing to discover that the enforcement arm of the NCAA, once about as aggressive as Paul Blart the mall cop, is launching investigations of potentially dirty programs at the rate of once an hour.

So YOU'RE the one that saw that movie. Makes sense.

Worst Analogy

Greg Cote of the Miami Herald wrote about the recent Isiah Thomas deal: This awkward alliance among Isiah Thomas, the New York Knicks and Florida International University is so many ways wrong, the challenge is where to begin. It's like walking into a pungently malodorous room and trying to discern what stinks the most.

Way to break out the thesaurus. Too bad this analogy is awful. What room is just full of smelly things? And who's going into them trying to determine anything? It just makes no sense whatsoever. If you're making an analogy, at least have it be based on something that actually happens.

Most Hilarious Column

I'm not quite sure if this is meant to be humorous or not. And I'm not talking about the obvious jokes. I'm talking about the column as a whole. Of course it's a Jason Whitlock column. And what is he writing about? Of course Jeff George. For those that don't know, just about every year (usually many times a year) Whitlock gets on his stump and tries to sell the world on the fact that Jeff George deserves another chance in the NFL. George is 42 years old and hasn't played a down in the NFL since 2001 and hasn't been on a roster since 2006. I'm sure Whitlock's yearly column began in seriousness but now I'm hoping it's an annual joke that will continue in perpetuity.