The Coors Effect

June 4, 2010 4:27 PM

On the subject of that whole "instant replay" thing

Naturally, when an umpire blows a call in spectacular fashion, and it costs a team a win, or a player a historic achievement, or whatever, there are calls throughout baseball.  Calls for instant replay, calls for the commish to go in and reverse the result (that can't happen; while he's at it, he'd have to go back and award the 1985 World Series to the Cardinals if he were to do that.)  But the calls for instant replay are screams at this point.  "Football has instant replay!  Why can't baseball have it?"

What, you're expecting me to jump on the bandwagon?  I'm against instant replay, and Armando Galarraga missing a perfect game because of a blown call doesn't change my views on instant replay.  It's a bad idea.

First of all, baseball, let's get one thing immediately out of the way.  A lot of people think baseball games are too long as it is.  Now, I'm not one of these.  Your average baseball game is shorter than your average football game, often by an hour or more.  So your average baseball game, which lasts about two and a half hours, is about two hours and twenty-nine minutes longer than your average UFC fight.  People who complain about baseball games being too long either (a) have ADD or (b) are Communists.  Yes, that's right.  Remember the Cardinal Rule: if you don't like baseball, you're not a real American.  I'm surprised the Republican Party hasn't questioned the patriotism of people who don't like baseball.  I certainly have.

But, yeah, sorry, MLB, you have to deal with this.  Americans, whether they're Communists or they just have a short attention span, would ideally like things they watch to last thirty seconds, which is why UFC is so popular.  So you can't add instant replay and expect it not to slow down the game whenever it happens.  I mean, look at football.  Instant replay stoppages last about five minutes in football.

Aside from that, though, here's my main argument against instant replay.  It eliminates the human aspect of the game.  Yes, that's right, the umpires are human.  You want instant replay?  Why not just propose to do away with umpires, and have robots call the game?  That would ensure 100 percent accuracy.  No more missed calls, or even so much as a variable strike zone.  Yeah, most of us complain about the umpires, particularly when they miss a call or we feel like our pitcher's getting squeezed.  But they're human.  How much fun is it to watch the manager come charging out of the dugout and get in the ump's face to argue a call?  That's often the most exciting part of the game.  Now imagine the manager coming out of the dugout to argue with a robot.  Hmmm... not so much fun.  I really feel like instant replay has taken a lot of the fun out of watching football games.  Really.  Of course, the other thing about it is that it certainly seems like referees blow a lot more calls now that they have instant replay to back them up.

So, yeah, don't expect me to ever join the chorus calling for instant replay in baseball.  Yes, even if the Rockies lose Game 7 of the World Series on a blown call.  I'll call for the umpire's head, but never instant replay.

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