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September 24, 2009 7:08 AM

Sports News? How Tweet it is...

I know, I know, you're busy. All I am asking for is a couple minutes of your precious time. Gotta get something off my chest. Cool?

So I turned on my computer this morning, checked my email, saw one from the gods at World Sports Blogs encouraging me to join Twitter, minimized that message, grumbled at all the spam, ignored (again) some dude named Norton Update, saw a message from Facebook, went there to find 'a friend' ragging me to join Twitter, saw 17 other 'friends,' telling their 13,000 friends what they were feeling at that very moment (most of them were feeling overwhelmed, by the way -- sorry, btw), was directed to YouTube and a must-see video of a rhinoceros passing gas in an unsuspecting chimpanzee's face, laughed, came back to my email account, re-read the message from WSB that I never finished, grudgingly clicked off a pop-up of a bikini-clad babe asking for a date, saw WSB was also asking me to become a fan of their new Facebook page, went back to Facebook, became a fan, watched the rhino again, laughed, checked my homepage, saw that another 8 friends were now complaining about being overwhelmed, went back to my email account, and finished reading the WSB message that ended by saying something about keeping up the good work.

Frankly, I'm having a lot of trouble getting on board with all this blasted technology. Give me those simpler days, when newspapers were king and the only browser we clicked into was our imagination.

Think of it: All this whiz-bang crap has ruined the newspaper business, cheapening the written word, made Matt Drudge a star, allowed for boatloads of unsubstantiated crap to pass as news, allowed for any yahoo (sorry, Yahoo!) to pass as a journalist (I heard that), turned our kids into a bunch of double-chinned, Oreo-eating lards, whose idea of play is riding a joystick, relegated the average attention span of an adult to something less than a house cat, and made the geeks you ignored in high school rich beyond even their wildest dreams.

And this is a good thing, right?

What's that? How is this related to sports? Well, for one thing, it has ruined being a sports fan, and writer forever, that's how, Skippy. Real deep-thinker you are.
If I can disturb your lack of attention for two more minutes I'll explain.

Crap, hang on, just got a text...
Gotta get my NFL fantasy picks in pronto.

Sorry, better check to see if all my guys are playing Sunday.
What?! The Cowboys might sit Barber?!
Give me a sec, let me check to see what sleeper backs are available for my team this week...
Hang on...checking...
Go away, bikini babe...

OK, back. Sorry. Get this, though, the fantasy expert there is recommending this Saints' back named Lynell Hamilton. I never heard of him either, but what the heck, I'll give him a go.

Where were we?
Oh yeah...enlightening you as to why the Internet has ruined being a sports fan and writer forever.

It used to be you got the majority of your sports news, in a neat, 24-hour cycle from the newspaper. That beautiful thing used to show up with the sun each day on your doorstep just like magic. I used to pour a bowl of cereal, roll the rubber band off that baby, and get my daily dose of all the sports news I needed to know before going off to school.

Yeah, life was good. Why I'd...
Hang on, just got a flash update from CBSSports...

Whoa! After only two weeks, NFL quarterbacks have accounted for 13 300-yard games through the air. The NFL is becoming a pass-happy league. What's more even QBs named Kevin Kolb are chucking it all over the yard.
Hmmm...that gives me an idea...Just one more sec, please. Better change my fantasy QB.

OK, back. Where were we?

Right, the newspaper.
Man, the newspaper had it all -- in-depth features on your favorite players and coaches, recaps of the previous night's games, great photos...and the agate page -- ahhh, the agate page, all the statistics a sports fan could want and more.

Used to be...
Er, sorry, just got an IM from my irritating cousin in Topeka. She wants me to check my e-mail.


Now why would she think at this very moment I am interested in seeing pictures of her snotty, double-chinned kids feeding animals at the zoo?! She knows I'm working.

I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed here...Better go quickly post that on Facebook.
OK, back.

Ha! Wait a minute, I know how to fix good ol' cuz.
...where's that YouTube video of that rhino...ha-ha!...
There you go, girl! Take that! Wish that had happened to your stupid kids! Hahaha! Got her good...

OK, where were we...

Oh yeah, the agate page. Yeah, that was really cool. Standings, box scores, the Tank McNamara cartoon...

Crap! Hang on, hang on...

Get this, just a got a stupid message from the newspaper warning that my subscription is overdue. Those jokers threatened to cancel delivery if I didn't pay up immediately.

What?! They don't think I can live without 'em?
Go ahead cancel me, I dare ya!

Now where were we...?

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