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November 11, 2009 9:12 AM

Steelers move up, Ravens get run

booze pic YES! copy.jpg

Just like we promised last week, Pittsburgh gets a seat at the Stammtisch with our other favored customers thanks to their mile-high performance in Denver Monday night.

After falling to Chicago and Cincinnati in Weeks 2 and 3, Mike Tomlin's team has ripped off five straight wins and looks every bit like the big spenders we had them pegged for at the beginning of the year.

Meantime, Baltimore has been temporarily run from the joint and dropped seven spots for damaging our hard-won integrity. These hot-shots came in looking like winners, and left Cincinnati last Sunday in tatters. Oh, and that cab that ran over you on your way out, was a Benson, by the way.

When are you dudes going to learn to look both ways? Chances are it won't be Sunday.

With the Browns coming to town, it'll be good enough if you can just manage to keep your eyes open for a few quarters. Think you can handle that?



  • 1 (1) New Orleans (99 proof, 8-0) Were reminded early by Carolina that even the biggest, and the baddest need to keep their heads on a swivel. But responded with fury.
  • 2 (2) Indianapolis (95 proof, 8-0) How come the good teams are often the luckiest?
  • 3 (3) Minnesota (91 proof, 7-1) Will enjoy their second straight week off at home against Detroit on Sunday.
  • 4 (4) Pittsburgh (90 proof, 6-2) Can already hear the pads crackin' from their looming divisional showdown against the Bengals Sunday.


  • 5 (5) New England (88 proof, 6-2) Get a chance to prove they belong up top with the big boys when they square off against the hated Colts Sunday.
  • 6 (8) Cincinnati (85 proof, 6-2) After Pittsburgh, this team gets the Raiders, Browns and Lions. But these are still the Bengals, so we won't type out the P-word just yet. 
  • 7 (10) Dallas (82 proof, 6-2) Oh, oh, look who just crashed the party. At least Jerry Jones is already wearing a mask.
  • 8 (12) Atlanta (79 proof, 5-3) Better be very, very careful Sunday against a Carolina team that is suddenly playing like it has something to prove.
  • 9 (11) Houston (78 proof, 5-4) Actually, their bye week comes at a perfect time to cleanse themselves of all the what-ifs following their heart-breaking loss to Colts.
  • 10 (14) Arizona (73 proof, 5-3) They're ba-ack! Cards would be wise to stick around a while because their ridiculously easy schedule the rest of the way, could make them the life of the playoff party again.
  • 11(6) Philadelphia (70 proof, 5-3) This team can't be trusted.
  • 12 (15) San Diego (69 proof, 5-3) Upset of last week: Norv Turner outcoached Tom Coughlin with the game on the line.

  • 13 (9) Denver (68 proof, 6-2) What goes up, must come down. Weeee...!
  • 14 (7) Baltimore (66 proof, 4-4) Enough. All year we've served this team nothing but the best, and our reward is watching them fall on their face in Cincinnati. Good riddance.
  • 15 (17) N.Y. Giants (63 proof, 5-4) Old, conservative Tom Coughlin was seen exiting Giants Stadium for the bye week in his Cadillac, but the directional signal was stuck.

  • 16 (19) Miami (57 proof, 3-5) Wouldn't Joey Porter make a better Jet?
  • 17 (20) N.Y. Jets (56 proof, 4-4) Speaking of Buddy boy's team...Positively hate each other after their bye week because they were forced to listen to themselves talk.
  • 18 (21) Carolina (55 proof, 3-4) This team would win by 20 each game if it had a quarterback.
  • 19 (16) Green Bay (54 proof, 4-4) Mike McCarthy better get this mess turned around fast...
  • 20(13) Chicago (52 proof, 4-4) Get only four days to wipe the crap off their cleats that was Sunday's drubbing to the Cards, before heading to San Francisco Thursday.
  • 21 (22) Jacksonville (50 proof, 4-4) Might be the ugliest 4-4 team in NFL history. We're checking.
  • 22 (18) San Francisco (48 proof, 3-5) Word is, Coach Mike hasn't blinked in three days.

  • 23 (23) Seattle (47 proof, 3-5) Spotted the Lions 17 points before roaring back to show off to their fans, who have always been too easily impressed.
  • 24 (27) Tennessee (45 proof, 2-6) This is a lot more civil place when we don't have to rake one of our favorite customers, Jeff Fisher, over the Grill Room coals.
  • 25 (24) Buffalo (44 proof, 3-5) That Dick Jauron can take a week off and still hold his job, points to an improving economy.
  • 26 (29) Tampa Bay (42 proof, 1-7) Come on, give it to us, we hinted they could beat Green Bay last week. Now if we'd only had the courage to stand behind our wishy-washy convictions.
  • 27 (25) Kansas City (39 proof, 1-6) Now that they've purged themselves of Larry Johnson, they are seeing what can be done about Jason Whitlock.
  • 28 (26) Oakland (37 proof, 2-5) Gather 'round kids. Let me tell you about a time when the Chiefs coming to town was a big deal...
  • 29 (28) Cleveland (29 proof, 1-7) Took the bye week to investigate whether they ever had a GM in the first place. What a weird organization.
  • 30 (30) Washington (23 proof, 2-6) Sooner or later they are going to beat somebody they shouldn't. Did you hear that, Denver?
  • 31 (31) St. Louis (18 proof, 1-7) Party's over, guys, the Saints visit Sunday.
  • 32 (32) Detroit (15 proof, 1-7) Will be 17-point underdogs when they visit Vikings Sunday. Go ahead, take the points, I dare ya.
(*) -- denotes last week's ranking.

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