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January 26, 2010 1:10 AM

Tiger Off Sex, Tour Loses Appeal

alice_cooper.jpgNow a public-relations announcement for this blog and the PGA Tour: "Ladies and gentlemen, the golf season is really rolling!"
What's that? You say Tiger Woods is being sexually rehabilitated somewhere in Mississippi?

Yes, well, whether that's true or not, the golf season is still under way -- with or without Tiger, mind you. Harrumph. Shame on you for repeating that garbage.

Bill Haas won the Bob Hope Classic on Monday. It was the youngster's first win. I tell ya what a fine, young...
What's that? You say you saw pictures of Tiger on the Internet wearing a hoodie and drinking coffee while at this sexual rehab place in Mississippi? He didn't look very happy?

Yeah, well, you know the Internet, and some of these 'reputable' sites. Anything goes, and mostly the truth on all those shoddy free-for-alls. You don't really pay attention to that dung do you? Besides, I am hearing today that those photos were fake. Ha!
Seriously, Haas knocked in a birdie putt on 18 to beat Matt Kuchar, Tim Clark and Bubba Watson by a shot. It really was quite a tournament.

And those crazy celebrities. I tell ya, what a hoot! You know, Alice Cooper really does have a reasonable game. Why I remember when he was biting heads off bats at his concerts. Or was that Ozzy Osbourne? Ah, well, no matter. How entertaining.

What? Those disreputable sites are generally right more than the quote-unquote "reputable" ones are, and if you wanted to watch celebrities play golf you'd pop Caddyshack into your DVD player for the 52nd time?

Hahahaha! Fair enough, Caddyshack is one of the greatest movies ever. Rodney Dangerfield, Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, Ted Knight...Too funny.
But we digress here. Back to some serious golf talk, eh?

While the Hope and Alice Cooper were being watched by at least 200 people in the Calif., desert, the Abu Dhabi Championship was being contested in front of real sheiks in, er, Abu Dhabi.
Martin Kaymer, who has a chance to be the greatest player out of Germany since Bernhard Langer, held off Ian Poulter and Rory McIlroy to win his fifth European Tour event.
I tell ya, Kaymer, 25, has a swing that looks a lot like...

Say again?
Tiger will have to come clean about all his sexual conquests if the therapy is to take hold?
Well, again, that's if, and only if, he is really...
Huh?
They will hook him up to a lie-detector machine while he recounts all his past romances and one-night stands, so that he properly cleanses himself before setting off on the straight and narrow path toward redemption?


That's madness! Who-in-the-hell is recommending he do that?!

Some dude on some entertainment network was quoted as saying this is what very possibly just might be going on down in Mississippi?
Dang...
And why Mississippi, anyway?
OK, well that makes sense. About the last place you'd probably go looking for anybody, and especially Tiger Woods, is Mississippi...

Hey, did you read where all the sordid details about Tiger and Elin's Thanksgiving squabble are finally coming out? Juicy stuff.

Huh?
We really shouldn't discuss this anymore until we know what's true and what's not?

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