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February 16, 2010 10:37 AM

The World of Sports According to CNN...

aalandis.jpgI just returned from four days in the Alps for some R&R. I type that for no other reason than to rub it in.

Anyway, I was blissfully without my computer during my four days in the picturesque, breath-taking Alps, and the TV in the hotel room spoke only German, which should have left me pretty much in the dark where world affairs are concerned.
Oh, I know enough of the language to get around (order bier), but that's pretty much it.

Unfortunately, as is often the case with these Euro hotels, CNN/World was the one English-speaking station on the tube, which turned out to be more than enough. Make that WAY more than enough.

If you have never watched CNN/World it is a very, very serious network, which likes to rub all kinds of cold reality in your face.

Instead of Wolf Blitzer blabbering about something completely useless, you have some silver-tongued Brit going on and on about Haiti. Being I was on vacation and all I just couldn't hear another word about that tragedy.

Besides, even though I live over here, I still pretty much think like I live over there. I prefer not to dwell on bad things too long -- unless it's the economy, or some reality TV show.

CNN/World also reports on sports that Americans basically don't care a lick about. It's comical really, unless you are a serious-minded European, or an American who has been away from the States for too long.

Anyway, this morning I found the Associated Press stories that dealt with two of the bigger sporting events according to CNN/World, just to treat you to my (beautiful) world.

Enjoy - and sorry.

Here's the AP lead to story No. 1:
PARIS (AP) -- A French judge has issued a national arrest warrant for U.S. cyclist Floyd Landis in connection with a case of data hacking at a doping laboratory, a prosecutor's office said.

Why don't some guys like Floyd Landis just go away for good? And will the French ever get over the fact that they never win their stupid Tour de France bike race, and, worse, that Americans too often do?

Anyway, remember Landis (pictured), the dude with the porn-star mustache? He's the knuckleheaded bicycle rider who won the Tour de France in 2006, until he didn't when urine samples taken during the never-ending race detected abnormally high levels of testosterone.

I guess he put in one stage during the race in which he roared through the mountains like there were rockets attached to his bike. Suspicions duly raised, the French finished him off with their drug findings.

As I remember, Landis strongly denied those trumped-up French charges, but no matter, it was determined he was a cheat and the whole sorry story finally went away -- until it returned at some point over the weekend.

Now the French are alleging Landis actually hacked into the computer system at their doping laboratory a couple of months after the 2006 event, to help with his defense in the matter. They want him back to answer for his alleged crime.

Is there anybody out there who doesn't think they should have him? That the two deserve each other?

Didn't think so.

Here's the AP lead to story No. 2:
VALENCIA, Spain (AP) -- Larry Ellison's space-age trimaran BMW Oracle won back the America's Cup for the United States by speeding across the Mediterranean and routing two-time defending champion Alinghi of Switzerland in a two-race sweep.

OK, everybody in America can exhale now. We've finally won back the Cup that apparently has our name on it.
For the uninitiated skippers out there, this all about that great American race. No, not the Daytona 500, silly -- sailing.

In this race, billionaires throw their money around and compete against each other on the high seas like some overstuffed pirates.
Nobody in America, besides billionaires, CNN/World, and serious-minded Europeans seem to care about this nonsense.

Oh, and I just love how AP's long story about this epic competition ends:
The ornate trophy itself is headed for the Golden Gate Yacht Club, which sits on a public jetty in the heart of San Francisco's cityfront, with views of one of the world's most famous bridges and Alcatraz Island.

Yep, that would be Alcatraz, home to the retired prison.
Hopefully for Ellison, his craft will be found to be free of steroids and this story will just go where it belongs: away.
If not, what better place for Ellison and his Cup than Alcatraz? I wonder if they can fit Landis and a clutch of stodgy French types in there, too?  

(Reuters, photo)

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