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February 18, 2010 9:20 AM

Tiger to Talk, but Listening Will be Harder

tiger pensive.jpgBy now you have undoubtedly heard that Tiger Woods is scheduled to talk tomorrow in front of "friends, colleagues and close associates."

He will not be taking questions.

On one hand, you are most likely furious he is being so selective about the venue, and the bought-and-paid-fors he is allowing at the event. On the other hand, you are incredibly interested in what he has to say.

And like most of us, you hate yourself, not him, for this last bit.

People new to the Tiger Woods' brand should understand the whole thing is about control. Always has been. Tiger does what Tiger wants to do, in front of whomever he wants to, and when.
Dozens of girls have come forth to confirm this.
(OK, sorry, but that was impossible to resist.)

Tiger has never given a single engaging interview in his life. He always let his clubs do his talking, and frankly, that was more than enough for most of us.

Then we found out he lived a triple-X double-life. Then he went through what I imagine was some form of self-imposed hell these past few months.

Those of us who thought this might bring about a change in Tiger, can go back to kicking ourselves for being so naive.

OK, I'm back...

I really thought Woods would take the year off from competitive golf to sort through things, but the rumors are strong he'll be back pretty quickly after his one-way discussion tomorrow.

I thought he'd stay away because I figured he'd work toward making amends with his wife and getting his family life back in some order.
I mean, he was alleged to have gone to some half-baked, sex-therapy-for-the-stars place in Mississippi. If true, that was a serious concession for a guy with a par-5 sized ego -- if not a nonsensical charade.

Anyway, I thought Tiger had pretty much lost his wife after about the seventh bimbo came forward to claim sex with him. But if there was  still a chance things could be repaired between the two of them, God bless.
It seemed to me like staying away from golf and travel for the year, would have sent the message that Elin and the family were the most important thing. I also figured that the ever-calculating Team Tiger knew in the long run, the sponsors would like this approach. 

Now I figure what I should have figured all along: Tiger is going say virtually nothing of interest as always, and will throw some halfhearted apology out there. He will say what he wants to say and no more. He figures he owes nobody answers.

His agent, Mark Steinberg, tipped as much, "Tiger plans to discuss his past and his future and he plans to apologize for his behavior."

OK, fine. Tiger is back to being in charge, which I can live very comfortably with.
But wouldn't it be refreshing if he cut the bull, and said something of substance along these lines:

"Look, I screwed up. I guess I don't love my wife as much as I thought. That sucks, but it's the way it is. She is going to get a settlement that would make a sheik jealous, and I am going to go back to drumming all those sorry-ass pretenders on the golf course, while sleeping with whomever I damn well want to, whenever I damn well want to.
"Oh, and if I see a single frickin' camera in front of my face while I am going about my private life, my caddy and camera-killer, Stevie, will put his foot where the sun don't shine. Capiche?

"I'm outta here. No further questions."

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