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July 26, 2010 10:02 AM

AP's Telling Tiger Tales Again ...

The Associated Press roared out of the box with a three-paragraph story Sunday that it is asking us to take at face value. Beside its grammatically challenged lead, the story has absolutely no sourcing.

Ahhhh ... It's like going home again. 

You might remember that AP perfected this type of reporting last fall and winter when it allegedly had some terrified source deep inside Orlando's Isleworth compound reporting on Tiger Woods' every move and intention in the weeks after the golfer put a bad swing on a Thanksgiving drive that landed him in a tree. 

Essentially, Sunday's news is that Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin is going to meet with Woods at the PGA Championship in a couple of weeks to discuss whether he wants to be a part of the team. Of course we have no idea how AP learned this, but let's just trust they have the story right. I mean, they very well might, you know.


Besides, thanks to those shoddy journalism guidelines we are now able to make public a conversation we recently heard between Woods and the little guy they call Bulldog. 

We won't tell you where this confab between Woods and Pavin took place, or how we were privy to it. That's not important. What is important is that you believe it.

Understand, we followed AP guidelines in transcribing the following conversation:

Bulldog: How's single life treating ya?

Tiger: Dang. So, you're going to just jump right out there and start talking all that smack, little man? But to answer your question: Ridiculously awesome.

Bulldog: So all that sexual addiction stuff was just crap then, right?

Tiger: What do you think, dude?

Bulldog: All that was just for the sponsors and lawyers then?

Tiger: Dude, if you are a healthy American man, and you don't have a sexual addiction problem ... you are not a healthy American man.

Bulldog: Hahaha. Roger that, TW. And don't let my short stature fool ya in that department. Know what I mean ... ?

Tiger: So what it is you really want, man? Understand, I'm not hooking you up with any broads. I'm having enough trouble keeping my own stable open while TMZ rides along in my saddle.

Bulldog: I have no idea what you just said, and, besides, I am a happily married man.

Tiger: Yer what?!

Bulldog: Dude, I'm happily married. Really.

Tiger: Uh-huh. Now what's up, man?

Bulldog: I just wanted to tell you that unless you qualify for the Ryder Cup team I won't be making you a captain's pick. 

Tiger: What?!

Bulldog: Look, man, no offense, but you are like a one-man marching band. Vuvuzelas make less noise than you do. I don't need all that on my team. 

Tiger: OK, yer joking, right? 

Bulldog: No. Either you qualify or you don't play.

Tiger: You can't do that.

Bulldog: Watch me. Besides, I read a story that said you called me little, weak and out of my league as captain.

Tiger: I never said that, man.

Bulldog: Hey, it was in an AP story, so it has to be right, OK?

Tiger: I'm telling you I never said that.

Bulldog: Well, the story said it was quoting somebody in a position to have heard you say it about three or four weeks ago at some undisclosed location.

Tiger: Well, that certainly sounds like AP ... But I didn't say it.

Bulldog: Look, man, Azinger told me that the best thing about his team was that you weren't on it. And they positively rolled the Euros.

Tiger: Dude said what?!

Bulldog: Yeah, he said it was a blessing not to have you around. Besides, it allowed everybody to speak freely about you behind your back. You know nobody likes you.

Tiger: Yeah, but they did what?!

Bulldog: They were busting on you, man. And that was before anybody ever really knew the real you! Can you imagine what we can talk about this year?! Talk about keeping the team loose. We'll be like a bunch of sweet-swinging Gumbys out there after we're done ripping on you!  

Tiger: Dang.

Bulldog: And let's face it, you have never been much of a team player.

Tiger: True. Screw teams, man. Teams are for wussies.

Bulldog: And can you imagine the hell you'll catch if we lose? You'll get all the blame, bro. 

Tiger: True again. I am sick of being blamed for everything.

Bulldog: So, you are OK with all of this?

Tiger: Yeah ... I guess so. But before it becomes official, let me think of a good excuse to leak to the AP. 

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